Joke of the day!

Answer phone messages!  

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  
• If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
  
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
  
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  
• If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
  
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
  
• If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
  
• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
  
• If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
  
• If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
  
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
  If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

7.30pm-8.00pm

Trolley Collectors.

First of a twelve part docu-soap about the men who collect supermarket trolleys from places where they shouldn't be.  Tonight Morris finds a trolley 50 yards from the trolley park and Barry takes some hostages.

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Dear Bugle on-line,

My name is Deirdre Armpit and I'm shocked to discover that my name is being used in your (HILARIOUS) interview with some mint obsessed maniac who fronts some show or other on your network. 

The Armpit family have lived in this area for generations and we are widely respected (except by the Lappage family  of Inworth who have a long-running dispute with us over ......

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