We have all read reports in the national press about the growing number of women who have joined Emily Pankhurst's fight for female suffrage but until now, thank the good Lord, the women of our district have had better sense than to join such a diabolical campaign.  All that changed yesterday when Kelvedon High Street was besieged by two suffragettes, who between them caused quite a scene.  The two women, Mrs Rose Ganglen and Mrs Alice Possy of Kelvedon, ran down the High Street at 10.30am yesterday screaming "Give us the vote!" and "Rights for women!" while waving placards and handcuffs.  When they were approached by concerned passers by they handcuffed themselves to the nearest objects and stated that they would remain there until their demands were met.  Unfortunately for Mrs Possy, she found out too late that she had inadvertently handcuffed herself to deaf Mr Ted Hanky's horse and cart just before he set off on his deliveries around the district.  There was much laughter as the local residents watched as Mrs Possy was dragged kicking and screaming behind the cart while still holding her placard.  She was finally released three hours later in Chelmsford when Mr Hanky stopped to investigate why his cart wheel wasn't turning properly.  The muddy and bloodied Mrs Possy then limped back to Kelvedon where she and her fellow protester were made to promise not to demand the vote again.

Hundreds of people took to the streets today to see His Majesty King Charles make his first public appearance for months.

His Royal Highness looked calm and at ease as he made his way through the crowd, stopping to receive lucky abuse from some of his subjects, who also showered him with spit and refuse.

The King looked a little apprehensive as he mounted the podium to address the crowd, which remained silent throughout his speech, which is reproduced in full here.

"You utter bastards"

The crowd responded with a loud cheer, which the King gracefully acknowledged before placing his head on the block.

Mr James Gutspy, winner of our 'Be the Kings Executioner' competition, skillfully lopped off the head before holding it up and posing for portraits.

See details of how you could win the Kings head in our stunning new competition on page 4.

 Organisers hinder Marchers March.

Organisers afraid that a march by the SOKG (save our king group), would distrupt Charles execution instructed soldiers to fire at anyone looking suspicious.  After the twentith casuality, the instructions were re-phrased to anyone that looked like a marcher.  After the nineth casuality, the soldiers were asked to wait until the march had actually begun before firing their weapons. 

A spokesmand for the PR company 'Let-em-Rot' who were promoting the event offered this statement:

'The Marchers represent only a minority of the population.  We feel that the majority will have a lovely family day out ruined by these do gooders.  Therefore, we have decided to take an aggressive policy in upholding the liberty of the majority'.

As the charity five a side got underway, sparkes flew as marchers and the crowd met in a frenzy of harsh words and horse manure.  Four marchers were stoned and seven were arrested for possession of illegal substances.

An eye witness to the march stated:

"Bloody hippies, what do they hope to accomplish? They're spoiling the kids fun."

Even with the march the execution went according to plan and a lovely day was had by all.  Albert Spital from London stated " I haven't had this much fun since Guy Fawkes was hanged, drawn and quartered.  Now that was a bloody good street party!"