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Language jokes |
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Language jokes | Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!" A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Aussies just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." |
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computer messages |
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Computer messages: | Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have you a pen? Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may enter this system. Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. |
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Dangerous shopping |
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See shopping is dangerous! | WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid |
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A problem with the engine! Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot." | | |
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Elderly lady on plane |
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A true story!On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time." | | |
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Written by CJCairns
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Wednesday, 29 April 2009 09:25 |
Advertisment signs! Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts." Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot" In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics." Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further." | | |
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Two elderly ladies |
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Two elderly ladies. | Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? |
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Plane! Photographer! |
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Plane, photographer, panic. The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" | | |
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Jokes
