Take the Hook Off!

I am writing to complain about your new sit-com Off the Hook which is set in an abattoir because it is so unrealistic.  In every episode someone gets locked in the freezer, and this hardly ever happens in real life.  I have worked in an abattoir for the last four years and during that time only about a dozen people have ever been locked inside the freezer, and only nine of them have died.  I suggest that the producers of your sit-com do some proper research before they make a programme that gives the false impression that abattoirs are dangerous and silly places to work in, although I did enjoy the meat contamination episode last week.

Yours sincerely

Daniel Listeria, Bocking.

 Felicity Rancid, Producer of Off the Hook replies...

Before we set about making Off the Hook we didn't bother to do any research because no-one wanted to spend the time in an abattoir, however, we think that the result is good enough for our viewers.  Getting locked inside the freezer again and again each week was devised as an hilarious running joke and a convenient way of axing characters.  While it is true that the first three episodes of the show had five regular characters killed off via the freezer, the remaining shows will concentrate on Peter, the chief cutter-upper, and his hilarious struggle to cope with his frost bit amputations.  I am very sorry if Mr Listeria found any of this offensive and I am sure that abattoirs are almost completely safe places in real life.

 Show us some proper films!

Why does the Bugleonline insist on showing terrible films in the popular 9.00pm-11.00pm slot every evening?  Last night's film 'The Fryer', a made for TV film thriller set in a fish and chip shop is a case in point, it was truly awful with bad acting, bad script, bad sets and bad special effects.  When Lucy, the Saturday assistant had her face pushed into the boiling fat she didn't even scream and the make-up effects afterwards were terrible and looked as though someone had just put pieces of bacon on her face.  As someone who suffers from creosote addiction I have to spend hours and hours in front of the TV and I expect to watch-something better than that.  Why don't you show some classic films like 'I married a Spatchelor' or 'I think you'll find that's my flip-flop' starring Deborah Kiosk, now they'll be worth watching.

Yours sincerely,

Ken Libido, Braintree.

 

BugleOnline has the rights to very few films which means that we have to make do with ones that we can make ourselves.  'The Fryer' was one of our earliest films and is regarded by some to be a classic and has gained cult status around the Coggeshall area.  Brian Laceration, who directed 'The Fryer', is very experimental and doesn't think that plot and characterisation are necessarily what makes a good film.  The hot fat scene is regarded by Laceration fans to be one of his greatest achievements, rivalled only by the rabid librarian scene in 'The Shelf', which we will be showing in it's full un-cut version next Saturday.  Well done for spotting the bacon, which was painstakiingly attached to Sharon Flong Hide's face with a gluegun.  You win a signed Best Mates oven glove.

 Bendy Mania

I am writing to say what a treat it is to have Best Mates on three times a day, it is by far the best soap on TV.  The recent plot about Brendy Bendy's creosoap addiction has been rivetting and I'd like to congratulate Betsy Twany who plays her on a magnificant performance.  Speaking as someone who has battled with the same addiction, I find it refreshing that at least one programme has the guts to tackle a subject which is often overlooked and stigmatised.  Keep up the good work, and is there a Best Mates fan club I can join?

Gertrude Spliffy, Cressing.

Well Gertrude, you're in luck!  The Best Mates of Best Mates Club has recently veeb formed and already has two or three members.  Just send £5.99 and a jiffy bage to BMBMC, c/o Brenda Twang, 24345 St, Feering and you will receive a fanzine with all the gossip and information about your favourite characters, a Best Mates oven glove and signed pair of dungarees.

 Can't Do It? Shouldn't Do It!

I could hardly believe my eyes when I tuned in to BugleOnline's new game show Can't Do It, Won't Do It the other night.  Do you really consider it entertaining to watch an elderly couple to be made to bungie jump against their will from a crane into the River Blackwater?  Mr and Mrs Trifle were clearly terrified and the resulting accident was, in my opinion inevitiable.  It was however, adding insult to injury to have the following programme Emergency Rescue follow the ambulance crew down to the Blackwater to see the Trifle's be rescued.  It was an abomination, and if it wasn't for Best Mates I'd cancel my subscription to BugleOnline immediately.

Mr Mattress, Messing

Rachel Formaldehyde, Series Producer replies....

While it is true that the 'contestants' for Can't Do It, Won't Do It are chosen at random, they are given a chance to back out.  It was just that on this occasion the noise of the wind on top of the crane made it impossible for our presenter to hear Mrs Trifle's cries, and she and her husband were pushed off anyway.  As for Emergency Rescue that followed, I can only aplogise if Mr Mattress found this offensive, but it was an opportunity that was too good to miss.