Malingra Tollope's

Problem Page

Malingra Tollope is our very own agony aunt, and she takes agony very seriously. 

Her career started in the 1930's, where her ability to recognise and relish in agony soon became apparent while working as a librarian at Weeping House, a house for blind bank managers.  She has written many articles, her most famous being 'why should you hate life' was written in 1973.  This article prompted an arson attack which Malingra was cleared of in 1975.

Dear Malingra,

My husband has invited some people from work around for Christmas drinks, but I am so ashamed of our house and feeble Christmas decorations that consist of an old bit of tinsel and a twig.  On top of that I am at a loss to know what to serve these people, as my husband and I only drink meths and the occasional drop of creosote and I understand that this isn't normal.  Please Help!

Yours desperately,

Janice Tackle (Mrs)

Dear Janice,

You have no need to be ashamed of your house and feeble Christmas decorations, as your husband obviously isn't.  If he felt as bad about your squalid little home with it's stupid bit of tinsel and twig as you do he wouldn't be inviting these people back for drinks.  I'm sure that his work colleagues will understand that you are not as sophisticated or as interesting as they are and you will not make any nasty comments, but will simply take pity on you and talk about you when they have gone.  As for not knowing what to serve them, perhaps you should make a little effort and buy some wine and beer but then do what I do and mix them both together with some meths and creosote into a winter warming punch.  That way you get the best of both worlds and if they drink enough they might not even notice how awful you and your house is!  Have a happy Christmas!!

Dear Malingra,

Ever since I was a child I have been deathly afraid of tinsel.  I think it comes from the time that I accidentally swallowed some one Christmas and now even hearing the word tinsel brings me out into cold sweats and uncontrollable bouts of incontinence.  I have tried everything to stop myself from being so scared but it just gets worse every year.  Please help, I cannot face another Christmas stuck on the toilet.

Yours in utter desperation,

Oliver Killjoy, Clacton

Dear Oliver,

I have every sympathy with your problem as I myself was once deathly afraid of Jay Cloths, and only now after years of therapy am I able to go anywhere near Home Ware section in supermarkets.  Do not despair, there are people that can help you.  I will put you in touch with Tinsel Incontinence Treatment Services (T.I.T.S), a nation-wide organisation who will start you on an aversion therapy programme which will slowly build up your resistance to tinsel.  This will take as long as you want to complete it and no-one is going to rush you, although you are expected to be fully cured and tinsel tactile by the end of day three.  Meanwhile do not despair, at least your phobia only happens once a year.  My Jay Cloth phobia was a constant non-stop nightmare that ruined my life and my ability to clean surfaces properly, so think yourself lucky!